It is the middle of the night and I can’t sleep. There are a few things going on in my mind. In good news I passed my MFT licensing exam with flying colors. Now I just need a couple more signatures and I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Also on good news I finished revisions on my prospectus and them off to my dissertation chair yesterday; I’m proud of myself for that. I was extended an invitation to apply for another job and I’m possibly considering it; I need to find more details before I say more.

I’m feeling a couple of things. Tired because I got up yesterday at   4 am to work on my dissertation and now it is 3 am. Happy because I passed the MFT exam and will soon be licensed. Annoyed at myself for missing a couple signatures on my MFT license application and that it is taking so long to finish my PhD, specifically my dissertation. I’m not the fastest, nor the most eloquent in speaking or writing, and honestly I feel pretty satisfied to be completing a PhD. I enjoy working with adolescent boys; they often remind me  of myself or one of my friends growing up; if they would just listen as much as I would like them too.

As I experience, these adolescent boys and their difficulty in accepting different aspects of their lives, I wonder what it will be like in a few years with Oscar, Lily, Henry, and the as yet unknown and unnamed child, when they want to participate in activities that I don’t approve of. Right now they listen to the most serious concerns I have for them and they listen. Maybe Oscar doesn’t want to come right now or Lily wants to play at friends this minute or Henry wants his whatever right now and I don’t understand what he’s asking for. But the time will come when I yell at them when a car is coming and they may choose to ignore me or using this as a metaphor; the car I see might be something else and they choose to listen to their peers or someone else and not listen to me. I feel a bit as though Lehi felt when he witnessed in his Dream of the Tree of Life that some of his children may choose to follow the Rod of Iron and others may choose to let go. I hope that I can choose to remain on holding firm to the Rod of Iron and not be swayed by the many voices that are speaking in today’s world, but calm myself so that I can listen to the one voice that does matter. I’m grateful for the peace that comes from reading the scriptures and feeling the cleansing power of the Holy Ghost as I seek to repent versus hiding myself from the myself.

At work, I had a group where we were watching the movie, The Mission (1986) and as we watched the movie, the themes once again of repentance and forgiveness were profoundly evident. When we make mistakes what do we do with ourselves and those mistakes. My greatest hope is that I can be an example to my kids; not of perfection, but of steady, consistent influence that listens and cares about them. I hope they can begin to choose to listen to me and not feel forced to listen so when they get older; they’ve already made decisions on their own to live, be, and act a certain way in their lives and most importantly listen to the Holy Ghost who will lead them to the one true source of peace and happiness, Our Savior.

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